What am I doing here?

I've been in Northern California for close to 3 months now. I'd like to say that the majority of my time has been spent looking for work. But actually, the majority of my time has been spent worrying about finding a job and worrying about my finances.

I do look for work. I've been on several interviews but nothing's panned out yet. Meanwhile, I spend a lot of time in my apartment just thinking...

I'd like to say that "the Lord's got me in this place" but I think instead that "I've got me in this place." And this is just a sick way of thinking. I'm just being honest here with what's going on in my head. This pity-party is what I'm fighting right now.

I battle worry and concern. I'm asking God for guidance. This is supposed to be my Exodus, right? Not the MOVE up here, friends. The exodus of my life, the exodus from my old-self to the new creation I am in Jesus Christ and that means getting away from the slavery of my anxieties and worry. That's what I long to break free of. That's what has kept me bound. That desire to control. That desire to know what's up ahead. Eish, I hate it.

David wrote in Psalm 34:

I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

I have deep issues when it comes to my financial security. It was an issue for me growing up in a single parent home. I won't go into the full story here but I began working at an early age and I've always been determined to provide for myself. But it is the Lord who provides and who will provide for me. The Bible says "the love of money is the root of all evil." I haven't made money my God. I believe my worry over it is what's lording over me at the moment. I ask that the Holy Spirit would help me break free from this worry.

To start on that path to breaking free, I sing His praises. I sing in a loud and somewhat akward tone. I sing with a dry throat and shaky voice but I'm singing and I know, God, you are listening...

Lord, I praise you for this day
for your unending mercy
for being so BIG that I kept running into you
for being so loving that you'd forgive a wretch like me
for calling me to rest
for cancelling my debt
for teaching me what love is and helping me turn from my old ways

Lord, thank you for my blessings
for my fiance' who called to read me an inspirational devotional this morning from his car before he went into work
for my friends who write and ask "how can I pray for you"
for my friends who text message me notes of encouragement
for the chance to become a step mom soon and grow as a woman
for my new church
for all the new people I am meeting and enjoying

Amen

So you might be wondering why I put up a photo of a squirrel eating a pancake. Well, something about it appealed to me. Maybe because squirrels aren't supposed to eat pancakes but the pancake showed up none-the-less. I think that's what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting for the Lord to do something unexpected.

I'm waiting for my pancake.