LORD, ALL MY DESIRE IS BEFORE YOU;

And my sighing is not hidden from YOU. --Psalm 38:9

I gave my testimony for the first time yesterday (to an English speaking audience). I recall sharing my story in Rwanda but there was the whole element of "they probably don't understand much of what I'm saying..." that helped calm my nerves.

I'm just being real here.

On the lines of being real, I want to share that yesterday was one long haze for me. I did not prepare for my testimony. I stepped outside the room of women about 10 minutes after the singing began. I had brought my notebook with me. I rested it on a cement pillar outside the church, near the children's center and I just prayed and began to write.

Then I ripped out the first page. And I began to write again. I did a bullet point sort of outline and took it back inside...but after speaking less than a minute, I ended up shutting the notebook and just talked.

Speaking to the women's group in the morning took courage. I was very touched by the women who came later to say they were helped by my story. But what happened later on in the day still has me in a bit of shock.

Friends, my pastor asked me to share again last night during the Singles Service. I won't give the details but I was up in front of a few hundred people and I was belting it out again...the most painful, vulnerable details of my life.

Last night, I gave Satan my middle finger. I'd had enough of the tricks he'd used my whole life to isolate me, to keep me from being real with anyone because I know God has a plan for me and I can't keep pretending I can't hear His call to speak up, to speak out, to open up, to reach out. It's time to openly give glory to God for healing me.

ANSWERS TO MORE PRAYERS
My son and I spoke this evening. He continues to be so torn up because he's going back and forth between my house and his father's. I sat my boy down and proceeded to share my testimony very openly with him as well. I told him that I know it hurts and I'm so sorry it hurts. I told him that I never regretted having him. And I apologized for all the mistakes I made. And I apologized that I was so broken for so long and wasn't a proper mother when I should have been. And I stroked the curls on his teenage head and told him I loved him more than anything in this world. I told him I could handle it if he moved back to his father's. I know he doesn't want this but he can't keep living in two homes.

Lord, I am yours tonight
Take all of me
I am not sure what's next
But there is no fear in me tonight
Only awe

Every step I take, I take with You
Keep my son close to You
I take these risks
because I believe in You

I am truly free...

Tonight, all my desires are before the Lord but I can't help but sigh, because I believe what I shared this weekend is going to change my life.