MY FATHER: SOMETHING I NEED TO SURRENDER...
"Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody." --Romans 12:17-18 (MSG)
Tonight I consider reuniting with my father whom I haven't spoken to in six years. I've spent most of my life estranged from him and wonder why. Why did God plan this for me?
My father did not chose to leave us. My father was addicted to heroine and it seems stupid for me now to blame him for his absence in my life. He was weak. He was under the grip of addiction. It was better, I often tell myself, that he was not present during my childhood.
We tried to reconcile when I was a teenager. By then, I believe he was off drugs but he told me many lies. For years I was frightened of contact with him, considering him too angry, too toxic to be around. I still have this fear - the fear that he's still so messed up that his problems will spill over into my life.
But where is God in this fear?
"At day's end I am ready for sound sleep. For you, God, have put my life back together..." --Psalm 4:8 (MSG)
If I want to enter ministry I have to surrender. Surrender everything and I am afraid tonight that I am too weak. I'm afraid that I can't do it. I'm afraid that it is too easy to give to strangers...too difficult to turn and face my father...too hard to be graceful and loving to the one who has hurt me the most. I say I have forgiven him in my heart but if I have, then why can't I express this to him in letter, in a phone call?
If I want to more fully know God, I have to surrender - forget my concerns regarding ministry. God is calling my heart. I promised never to walk away. But this is so hard for me. I'm terrified. But I need to do this or I cannot serve. I cannot lead. I cannot, with an honest heart, say that I trust God with my life. I am still holding back.
"You're blessed when you get your inside world -- your mind and heart -- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world." -- Matthew 5:8 (MSG)
"Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody." --Romans 12:17-18 (MSG)
Tonight I consider reuniting with my father whom I haven't spoken to in six years. I've spent most of my life estranged from him and wonder why. Why did God plan this for me?
My father did not chose to leave us. My father was addicted to heroine and it seems stupid for me now to blame him for his absence in my life. He was weak. He was under the grip of addiction. It was better, I often tell myself, that he was not present during my childhood.
We tried to reconcile when I was a teenager. By then, I believe he was off drugs but he told me many lies. For years I was frightened of contact with him, considering him too angry, too toxic to be around. I still have this fear - the fear that he's still so messed up that his problems will spill over into my life.
But where is God in this fear?
"At day's end I am ready for sound sleep. For you, God, have put my life back together..." --Psalm 4:8 (MSG)
If I want to enter ministry I have to surrender. Surrender everything and I am afraid tonight that I am too weak. I'm afraid that I can't do it. I'm afraid that it is too easy to give to strangers...too difficult to turn and face my father...too hard to be graceful and loving to the one who has hurt me the most. I say I have forgiven him in my heart but if I have, then why can't I express this to him in letter, in a phone call?
If I want to more fully know God, I have to surrender - forget my concerns regarding ministry. God is calling my heart. I promised never to walk away. But this is so hard for me. I'm terrified. But I need to do this or I cannot serve. I cannot lead. I cannot, with an honest heart, say that I trust God with my life. I am still holding back.
"You're blessed when you get your inside world -- your mind and heart -- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world." -- Matthew 5:8 (MSG)
posted by Danielle at 9:32 PM
1 Comments:
praying for you
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