RAIN
It has been pouring rain in Southern California for about a week now. Sort of off and on. The rain pours and pours and then the next day is bright and gorgeous. It is raining tonight and I'm back to those same blah feelings I've been having intermittently throughout the past couple of weeks.

I know what's eating me and then, maybe I don't. My life is going to change. Soon. Dramatically. Period. I can feel it.

I am at the end of my rope as far as my job is concerned. I never really was interested in internal audit work. I do my best but all I can think about is serving God full time. I feel my hands are tied. I go into work every day and don't know why I'm there. How did an English major get into finance? How did I go from poetry slams to scratching red pencil marks over financial statements? Yet even Paul ministered from prison. I try to keep this in mind.

Romans 8:25-27 "But if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently. And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will."

The first small group study I ever lead taught us to praise God through trials. That's what I'm trying to do. And when I look around me, I see much to rejoice over. But I feel a certain emptiness inside me lately. I feel I am drifting a little and my anchor is moving in soft earth.

THE BOY
My son, Forrest, will be 16 this year. He was born when I was 20. I have spent my young womanhood doing all that I could for him. I love this boy but it is time to start letting go. I watch him perform at school. I watch him lead other kids at our church. I listen to his prayers for us in the evenings. I see him becoming a man and I'm proud of him. He's struggling with motivation and grades. I feel phony sometimes when I am cross with him because I currently can't stand my work either. His high school is such a joke. I think most of the kids are really spoiled and clueless. It's a sad testament to our society.

I have tears in my eyes while I write this evening. There is something about me, something in the way God made me that allows me to have incredible, passionate highs and then soft low lulls. I know these lulls don't last forever. I fought severe depression and I know I am not depressed. I'm just aware that I'm drifting. I dunno. Maybe I'm seasick.

I have embraced beauty in this life. I have been blessed with more than most. Even with my life having been what it's been, I know God has gifted me in incredible ways. Lord, I'm waiting for you to speak my name. I'm waiting for you to call me. You are up ahead of me. So many are trying to get to you tonight. But I know that it's enough that I believe in my heart. I know, Father, you are here.

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I praise you tonight, Father-God
I have you to thank that I am not shallow
I praise you for my scars and all the memories within me
Some bad, some gorgeous, some of them you've diffused to protect me
I praise you for the rain falling all around my house
And for that stupid cat you stuck me with
And for Forrest and his teenage drama
And for Jimi Hendrix
And Vincent Van Gogh
Eugene H. Peterson
Reeses peanut butter cups
and coffee

This is my short list, God.
I hope to share the complete one with you when I see you.

Love,
Danielle